Trapped in the Closet
by Baseball Commish
Summary: A parody of R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet series, done from Ichigo's POV.
1. Chapter 1: Ichigo in Hime's Closet

A/N: I don't own Bleach or Trapped in the Closet

(CHAPTER 1) (Ichigo in Hime's Closet) 

Ichigo is narrating

Seven o'clock in the morning  
And the rays from the sun wakes me  
I'm stretchin' and yawnin'  
In a bed that don't belong to me  
And a voice yells, "Good morning, darlin", from the bathroom  
Then she comes out and kisses me  
And to my surprise, she ain't you

Now I've got this dumb look on my face  
Like, what have I done?  
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here til the morning sun?  
Lost the track of time  
Oh, what was on my mind?  
From the club, went to her home  
Didn't plan to stay that long

Here I am, quickly tryin' to put on my clothes  
Searching for my car keys  
Tryin' to get on up out the door  
Then she streched her hands in front of it  
Said, "You can't go this way"  
Looked at her, like she was crazy  
Said, "Hime move out my way"  
Said, "I got a wife at home"  
She said, "Please don't go out there"  
"Hime, I've got to get home"  
She said, her boyfriend was comin' up the stairs

"Shh, shh, quiet  
Hurry up and get in the closet"  
She said, "Don't you make a sound  
Or some shit is going down"  
I said, "Why don't I just go out the window?"  
"Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor"  
"Shit think, shit think, shit quick, put me in the closet"  
And now I'm in this darkest closet, tryin' to figure out  
Just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass up out this house

Then he walks in and yells, "I'm home"  
She says, "Uryuu, I'm in the room"  
Walks in there with a smile on his face  
Sayin', "Hime, I've been missin' you"  
She hops all over him  
And says, "I've cooked and ran your bath water"  
I'm tellin' you now, this girl's so good that she deserves an Oscar

throws her in the bed  
And start to snatchin' her clothes off  
I'm in the closet, like man, what the fuck is going on?  
You're not gonna believe it  
But things get deeper as the story goes on  
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone  
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate  
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late  
He hopped up and said, "There's a mystery going on  
And I'm gonna solve it"  
And I'm like, "God please, don't let this man open this closet"

He walks in the bathroom  
And looks behind the door  
She says, "Uryuu, come back to bed"  
He says, "Bitch say no more"  
He pulls back the shower curtain  
While she's biting her nails  
Then he walks back to the room  
Right now, I'm sweating like hell  
Checks under the bed  
Then under the dresser  
He looks at the closet  
I pull out Zangetsu  
He walks up to the closet  
He goes up to the closet  
Now he's at the closet  
Damn he's opening the closet…

Next Chapter: Chapter 2: Uryuu's Revelation


	2. Chapter 2: Ishida's Revelation

(CHAPTER 2) (Ishida's Revelation)

Well...  
Now Ishida's staring at me like  
As if he was starin in a mirror  
She yells Uryuu let me explain  
He says you don't have to go no further  
I can clearly see what's goin on  
Behind my back, in my bed, in my home  
Then I said wait a minute now hold on  
I said mister we can work this out  
She said Uryuu don't lose control  
Tried to get him to calm down  
He said Hime, I should've known  
That you would go and do some bogus shit up in my house  
But the Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt

I said we need to resolve this  
Then he stepped to me, I'm like whoa  
There's a reason I'm in this closet  
He says, yeah like what, are you talkin clothes  
I met this girl at the Shinigami's club  
And she told me she didn't have a man  
Then he said man please,  
I'd kill you if you didn't have that Zanpakutou in ya hand  
And I said but yo chick chose me  
He said don't give me that mack shit please  
His phone goes off and then things get a little more interesting  
He steps a little closer  
I point my gun and says I'm not the one you after  
He says Kurosaki, I bet you didn't know  
Did she tell you that I was a Quincy

I said well good that's betta right  
Why can't we handle this Christian- like  
And I started to put Zangetsu down  
Til I saw his face still had that frown  
She started cryin, sayin baby I'm sorry  
Then he said baby not as sorry as you're gonna be  
I started inchin out  
He says no I want you to see this  
Said I gotta get out this house  
He said not til I reveal my secret  
I'm like what is goin on inside his head  
Then he takes his phone and calls somebody up and says  
Hello, Baby, turn the car around  
Listen I just need for you to get right back here now (Click)

He looks at me and says well since we're all comin out the closet  
I'm not about to be the only one that's broken hearted  
She said what do you mean  
And he said just wait and see  
I said somebody betta talk to me  
And then his phone rings  
He picks up and somebody says sweetheart I'm downstairs  
And he's like I'll buzz you up  
I'm on the fifth floor, hurry take the stairs  
And I'm like who is this mystery lady that you're talking to  
He says in time you both will know the shockin truth  
Baby this is something I been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time  
Then I said Ishida, Imma kill you both if you don't say what's on ya mind  
He said wait I hear somebody comin up the stairs

And I'm lookin at the door  
He says I think you betta sit down in the chair  
I says I'm gonna count to four  
1, he says Ichigo wait  
2, she says please don't  
3, he says don't cut me  
4, she screams  
Then a knock at the door, Zangetsu in my hand  
He opens the door, I can't believe it it's a man

Next Chapter: Chapter 3: Ishida and Chad


	3. Chapter 3: Ishida and Chad

(CHAPTER 3) (Ishida and Chad)

Ichigo's POV.

Here we are. The four of us...  
In total shock... Me and 'Hime.  
I closed my mouth and swallowed spit,  
And I'm thinking to myself, "This is some deep shit!"  
And I said "So you're gonna tell me he's the one he's been talking to?"  
He says, "Yes", I say, "No", he says, "Yes", I say, "No", he says, "It's the truth!"

I said, "All of ya'll ass is crazy, let me up out this door,  
Because this is way more than I bargained for"  
'Hime says, "Wait, I'm sure we can all fix this"  
Then I said, "I'm late, plus I ain't gotta damn thing to do with this!"  
But then she said, "Wouldn't you just like to know how it all began?"  
Then I thought to myself, and said, 'Quick, you got three minutes'  
Then it got real quiet, I said, "Somebody start talking"

She said, "My God, Uryuu! I've got just one question,  
how could you do something like this? I'm so hurt!"  
He looked at her and said, "Bitch please, you've got your nerves  
With all your club hoppin', lyin' when you said you was shoppin'.  
And now here you are in our home, and you're callin' me wrong."

"Okay you busted me! And that much I agree, you caught me cheatinggg!  
But this is a little extreme!"

He said, "You are my wife sleeping behind my back.  
And now I come home and you got him in the closet, how extreme is that?!"  
And she said, "But she's a he!"  
And he said, "Please, you can't judge me"  
She said, "But this is crazy!"  
And I said, "Stop arguing!  
I did not stay here to hear you chew each other out,  
So get to the point, or I swear I'm out!"

"Excuse me, please, but I think I can explain what's going on in here.  
My name is Chad and I been knowing Uryuu about a year,  
At midnight creeping around there not staying around to standing living in hell, sleepin in and out of hotels..."  
I said, "Chad, please spare the details!"  
Then Uryuu said, "Chad, please! Don't say nothing else!"  
Then she screams, "Uryuu you son of a bitch,"  
He says, "Ori, go to hell!"  
I said, "I thought you said your name was 'Hime, that what you said at the party.  
Man this is gettin scary imma shoot somebody!"  
Then Uryuu start yelling and screaming saying, "Ori, this is all your fault!"  
She throws a pillow at him and says, "You were creeping too, the only difference is you didn't get caught!"  
Chad screamed out, "We're in love!"  
'Hime says, "Love my ass!"  
Uryuu said they're getting married then I shoot a Getsuga in the air!

I said, "Not another one of you sons of bitches say a word!  
Cuz all this shit I'm goin thru is unheard!"  
I grabbed my cellular  
I said, "This is so wrong,"  
I call up my home,  
And a man picks up the phone phone phone phone...

Next Chapter: Chapter 4 (Ichigo's Home Surprise)


	4. Chapter 4: Ichigo's Home Surprise

(CHAPTER 4) (Ichigo's Home Surprise)

Ichigo's POV.

Now I'm dashin home  
Doin 85  
Swervin lane to lane  
With fire in my eyes  
I got a million thoughts  
Runnin through my mind  
I'm thinkin about what imma do and who I'm gonna do it to when I get home  
How could I have been so blind  
And then I look in my rear view  
I cannot believe this

(Whoo whoo whoo)  
Damn, here comes a police man  
He drove right up on me and flashed his light  
Then I pulled over without thinkin twice  
He hopped out the car and walked over to me  
And said license and registration please  
I looked up at him and said  
Officer, is there somethin wrong  
He said no, except you were were doin 60 in a 40 mile zone  
Then I said officer  
Let me explain please  
Ya see the truth of the matter is  
Is that I have an emergency  
He said no excuses  
And no exception  
I said this is some bull...as he gave me the ticket  
Said have a nice day and walked away  
I said yeah right and drove away  
Then I turned my radio on  
And did 45 all the way home

I pulled up in the driveway  
Hopped out and slammed the car door  
Then go in through the back  
Bust up in the house and she screamin  
Whats all that for  
Then I'm like woman I called this house  
And a man picked up my phone  
Then she said calm down  
Did you forget  
My brother Byakuya came home

Oh...  
And thats all I could say was oh  
Wit a stupid look on my face  
Said I forgot he came home today  
And she said thats okay  
Because honey I understand  
She said you don't have to explain  
Then I took her by the hand  
I kissed her and then we went to the room  
Then I turned some music on  
Apologized one more time  
Then went down and start gettin it on  
And she started bitin her lip  
Grabbing me and makin noise  
Now we makin love and she's my ear whisperin  
It's all yours  
I said I love you  
And she said I love ya, too  
Then a tear fell up out my eye  
Then I called her my sunshine  
And then she looked at me  
And said baby go deeper please  
And thats when I start goin crazy  
Like I was tryin to give her a baby  
The room feel like its spinnin  
We keep turnin and turnin  
As if we were in a whirlwind  
The way our toes are curlin  
The next thing ya know, she starts goin real wild  
And starts screamin my name

Then I said baby, we must slow down  
Before I bust a vessel in my brain  
And she said please no don't stop  
And I said I caught a cramp  
And she said please keep on goin  
I said my leg is about to crack  
Then she cries out  
Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax  
And I said cool  
Climax  
Just let go of my leg  
She says you're the perfect lover  
I said I can't go no futher  
Then I flip back the cover  
Oh my God, a rubber...

Next Chapter: Chapter 5 (Rukia's Explanation)


	5. Chapter 5: Rukia's Explanation

(CHAPTER 5) (Rukia's Explanation)

Ichigo's POV.

And now I'm like  
well, well, well, what the fuck is this  
a condom in my bed  
you better start talking bitch  
fore I take Zangetsu and tear this motherfucker down  
I said you better start talking and start talking right Goddamn now  
then she said baby I'm so speechless  
then I said my baby you gonna be breathless  
if you don't start talking quick  
woman I'm gonna have a fit  
you don't know what you fucking with  
girl you better cut the bullshit  
now its obvious somebody has been all up in my home  
in my bed plus I smell a lot of booze  
now I'm sniffing and looking around  
suspicious like someone's here  
then I looked in her eyes and in her eyes there was so much fear  
pull out Zangetsu and says is he still here  
she shook her head and said no  
I'm checking behind every door  
she cried out he left right after you called

I said what the fuck was you thinking  
thought that I wouldn't find this out  
then I said you must be crazy or  
on crack to have somebody up in my motherfucking house  
she hopped up and said that's enough  
she said I can't take no more  
and then she said you've made your point  
but now it's time to even the score  
she said I know all about last night  
and where you went when you left the club  
said that's right Ichi I was there  
with this guy in the back of the club  
I said I thought you was with your girls  
she said I thought you was with you guys  
she said you was at that bitch's house  
and don't you even try to act surprised  
I said babe she said shut up  
don't you say a word  
it ain't nothing you can say  
that I ain't already heard  
then I said woman don't you try to turn it all around  
cause the fact still remains that someone else was in my house  
then she said youre right about that  
something did go down  
but I don't have to turn it around  
cause what goes around comes back around  
I'm moving a little closer to her  
she's tripping over the furniture  
she said wait precious let me explain  
I said no need to just give me his name  
and then she says uh un  
I say uh what  
she says please sit down in the chair  
and I say no I'm standing up  
and then she cries out I'm so scare to tell  
you because of what you might do  
and I scream now look girl you better give me this man's name  
and I'm not playing with you  
she says ok wipes her nose then asks me about a girl name Senna  
I thought to myself says it sounds familiar  
then said that'll I probably know her if I seen her  
and then I said any way girl what the hell has that got to do  
with this man

she said you know my girl Rangiku  
I said who the hell is Rangiku  
then she says Rangiku's a friend of mine  
who knows this guy name Chad  
Chad's cool with this guy named Uryuu  
and I'm sitting there like what the fuck  
then she says Uryuu's wife Orihime  
we both went to high school  
she introduced me to the policeman that stopped you

Next Chapter: Chapter 6 (Ichigo, Rukia and…Renji)


	6. Chapter 6: Ichigo, Rukia andRenji

(CHAPTER 6) (Ichigo, Rukia and…Renji)

Ichigo's POV.

Believe it or not.  
I just started laughing.  
Shaking my head.  
And just kept on laughing.  
Thinking about all the things I had been through that day.  
Then cries what why do you have that smile upon your face.  
Then I laughed out said thinking about the things that I've been through.  
She wipes her nose and she sniggles and laughs out I've been through it too.  
Then I start laughing again.  
And she start laughing more.  
Then next thing you know we both are cracking up on the floor.  
She laughs I can't believe this idiot really answered my phone.  
Now meanwhile Byakuya just got off a detail and he's on his way home.  
Then she laughs baby I'm sorry for all the lies and all the bullshit.  
Then I say girl just wait till I tell you all the drama that I've been dealing wit.

She laughs I wanna hear it all.  
Then I laugh and say baby first of all.  
I got a hangover, been trapped in the closet, slept wit who knows, threatened to kill a Quincy.  
She says what.  
Baby this is no lie he had a lover turns out to be a gay guy.  
She says damn you've been through a lot.  
Plus I gotta ticket.  
Meanwhile the policeman he turns around.  
Just out of concern comes back to the house.  
Then he pulls up in the driveway.  
My cars parked crooked with the lights on.  
Then he goes around the back way.  
He hear the dogs barking like somethings wrong.  
He gets to the backdoor and discover its been broken in.  
He looks around, pulls his gun out, then proceeds in.  
Meanwhile were laughing and laughing and laughing.  
But from his perspective he thinks somebody's crying.  
He gets closer to the bedroom and he would swear that somebody was coughing and sighing.  
Meanwhile were in the bedroom laughing as I'm trying to continue to explain.

She yells out Ichigo your killing me.  
Said I swear that it went that way.  
Then next thing you know he bust up in the room said muthafucka freeze.  
And then I looked back up at him and said wait your that damn police.  
Then she screams baby, I mean Renji she says everything is cool.  
And then he yells Rukia I got this.  
I know your sick and tired off this fool.  
Then I stood up start walking toward him screaming man get out my house.  
Then he yells freeze she scream please and i pulled Zangetsu out.  
She cried out Ichigo please don't.  
Visions of him making love to her.  
He said man put the sword on the floor.  
I can't stop thinking about him and her.  
I slowly put Zangetsu and then I put my hands up.  
He winked at me and smiled.  
And that is when I went nuts.  
Hopped all over him grabbed Zangetsu.  
She screaming settle down.  
Trying to get my head together then all of a sudden I hear Renji say, "Howl!".

Next Chapter: Chapter 7 (Bloody Hell)


	7. Chapter 7: Bloody Hell

(CHAPTER 7) (Bloody Hell)

Ichigo's POV.

There's total silence, blood everywhere  
And confusion on their faces as they continue to stare  
Then Rukia starts shakin' and cryin' screamin' "What did you do?"  
And then Renji looks at me and screams "See, now I warned you."  
Then he starts pacing the floor screamin' "God, what have we done here?!"  
And she rushed to to door, blood on her hands screamin' "There goes your whole career."  
Meanwhile, I'm freakin' out sayin' "We gotta do somethin' and gotta do somethin' quick."  
Then he picks up the gun and says "I have a wife at home, I can't have no cause of this."  
She says "Renji, I can't believe you just said what you said.  
Cause that's not what you said when your ass was in my bed."  
Then I said "Gettin' married later, but right now we gotta use our heads. First of all, did anybody check if the man was alive or dead."  
Then he looks at her, she looks at me, I look at them and we look at him.  
Meanwhile, Rukia's about to have a nervous breakdown the way she's shakin' and cryin'  
And then she screams "You bastards! You've killed my brother."  
And then I said "Rukia, wait a minute, I didnt..."  
She says "No, you killed my brother."  
She said "He just got done with a Hollow detail. He's been through a lot. He was talking about changin' his life and everything and to come home and get cut  
Then I said "Baby, it wasn't my fault. This man had a sword on me.  
And besides, how was I to know that you was getting down with this crooked ass police."  
And he says "Wait a minute..." I say "No, you wait a minute!"  
And then I say "Man, this is my wife. We had a life until you butted up in it."  
She cried out "Ichigo, now hold on. Even though he was in our home, let's not forget the fact that you was out there creepin' in another man's home."  
*Cough cough* *cough cough*  
Byakuya starts coughin'. *cough cough*

She says "Byakuya! Oh my god! Nii-sama, are you okay ?"  
He looks up at her and says "I'm not gonna die, at least not today."  
And then he asks what happened and says "Why did I get cut?  
Ichigo what is this policeman doin' here ?"  
And I said "Go on, tell him cop."  
He says "Son, we gotta get you to a hospital and take a look at that wound."  
Byakuya says "No, I'm okay. It's just my shoulder. All I need is a bathroom."  
Now five minutes has gone by and they tellin' Byakuya everything that happened  
Byakuya says "Fuck man, I would've been better off Hollow killin."  
And now somebody's banging at the door and I'm like "Oh no! Here we go again!"  
Thinkin' out loud to myself sayin' "When is this shit gonna end ?!"  
Then Rukia looks at me and says "Baby, you got that?" And I say "NO!"  
She says "Why?" And i said "Because I'm not openin' up another motherfuckin' door!"  
And the cop says "Rukia, I'll get it." Then looks at me and says "Man of the house, my ass!"  
Then I say "I'll get it, but whoever it is, I'm about to put their ass on blast!"  
And then, Renji grabbed me. I snatched away and got Zangetsu up off the floor  
Then Byakuya says "Man, that's what I'm talkin' about! Ichigo, point that shit toward the door! "  
Then he says "Officer, arrest me later."  
I count to three, Byakuya opened the door and it's Yuzu the nosy neighbor...  
Ooh, with a spatula in her hand  
Like that's gon do something against them swords  
It's Yuzu the nosy...whoa

Neighbor...

Next Chapter: Chapter 8 (Renji and Tatsuki)


	8. Chapter 8: Renji and Tatsuki

(CHAPTER 8) (Renji and Tatsuki)

Ichigo's POV.

The policeman gets in his car  
And gets right on the phone  
Backing up, shaking his head saying  
"Let me get my crazy ass home"  
And his wife picks up and says  
"Darlin' where have you been,  
i've been worried about you"  
And he says "Police business, honey, I can't wait  
to tell you what I've been going through"  
She says "Are you okay?" "Yes"  
"Do you need anything?" "No"  
"Well, I baked you a pie" "Mmm"  
"Your favorite: Cherry"  
Then he said "I'll be there soon.  
Sorry I kept you hanging"  
Then she said, "Honey, don't worry about it  
Just take your time, I still got some cleanin'"

Now meanwhile Miss Yuzu back at Rukia's house  
Tellin it all  
She said "I knew there was something about that policeman  
I started to cut lose my dog"  
Rukia looks at her and laughs and says  
"Miss Yuzu you are nuts"  
And i say "all I wanted to know  
was what was you gonna do with that spatula"  
And then we all laughed  
Byakuya says "shes a G no doubt"

Now lets head right back on over  
To Renji's house  
He pulls up in the garage  
She doesn't expect for him to come that soon  
She rushed to the door  
kisses him on the cheek and says "I was in the restroom"  
Then he said "Whatcha say that for?"  
And then she says "I don't know"  
Then he step back, look at her and says  
"Whatcha all jittery for?"  
Then she says "Sweetheart, maybe it's that time of the month"  
Then he says "Maybe? Maybe that time of the month?"  
And then shes says "You know what I mean"  
He says "I know what came out yo mouth"  
He said that "you said maybe  
Then she says baby," he walks in the house  
She tries to lead him upstairs  
But he goes straight to the kitchen  
She says "Hun, I bought you some pears"  
And then he said "I'ma heat this chicken"  
Then she turns around thinking to herself  
With this weird look on her face  
Then he screams "Woman, what wrong witchu,  
why are you walking back and forth, pacing?"  
Before she answers she's thinkin' to herself  
"What am I to say?"  
Because the truth of the matter is  
that she just slept with another man today

And he started calling her name  
"Tatsuki, I know you hear me"  
But she can't turn around  
Because the truth on her face  
He will see it  
Then he screams "Tatsuki"  
"Yes""Look at me"  
Tatsuki turns around and then he says  
"Whatcha got up your sleeve?"  
She's scared out of her mind  
Stuttering and shaking and  
still talking about some pears  
He starts screaming saying  
"Woman Im not going up no stairs"  
Now he's got a funny feeling  
Something just don't seem right  
He's looking at her while she's backing up  
Then he says "With all my might,  
Woman, I swear I'll cut somebody  
if you been doing wrong"  
But little does he know  
somebody is still right there in his home

Next Chapter: Chapter 9 (Tatsuki's Surprise)


	9. Chapter 9: Tatsuki's Surprise

(CHAPTER 9) (Tatsuki's Surprise)

Ichigo's POV.

Renji looks around the kitchen, and says 'something is really weird',

Tatsuki says 'why do you say that?' He says 'cos you keep tryin' to get me outta here',

He says 'ever since I been in this house your face has went from white to red

and remember when I first walked through the door you acted like you had seen a ghost from the dead'

Then he says 'girl if you hidin' something i'm gonna be so mad', then he hears

something fallin he says ' what the fuck was that?'

She says ' it sound like it came from upstairs, sounds like the plumbing',

He said 'woman that sound did not come from upstairs, i'll be damned if you're not up to something,

The sound that i just heard, it came from this kitchen, and then he looks over by the stove

while shes easin' over by the dishes. and then he walks over to the refridgerator and pushes it back,

and then he looks in her face, looks like shes about to have a heart-attack, then he notices the pie on the counter

One slice is missing, now the stories gettin' scary,

cos he comes to realise that Tatsuki is allergic to cherry.

Then he slowly looks up at her and now her face is red as hell, he's breathing real hard,

movin' closer, she says 'hon you don't look so well'

And then he says move

She says no

He says move

She says no

BITCH MOVE! she moves, and then, he looks at the cabinet,

he walks to the cabinet, he's close to the cabinet, now he's opening the cabinet.

Now pause the movie cos what i'm about to say to ya'll will almost make you pee,

Not only is there a man in his cabinet, but the man... is a PLUSHIE!

Next Chapter: Chapter 10 (What the Hell, Tatsuki?!)


	10. Chapter 10: What the Hell, Tatsuki!

(CHAPTER 10) (What the Hell, Tatsuki?!)

Ichigo's POV.

Now the plushie jumps outta the cabinet and stomps Renji on his toe  
Renji's hoppin around on one leg screamin "son of bitch" while he runs under the table  
He yells ''freeze'' dives over the table and lands on the plushie...while the midget is kickin  
real fast screamin out Tatsuki!,Tatsuki! ,  
"She yells darlin don't hurt em'"  
Renji says Tatsuki get yo' ass back...then he continue to ruff up the plushie as if the plushie was under attack...  
Then Tatsuki runs up to her room, goes in her purse and pulls a number out...  
Renji puts him on the table and yells "Man, what the hell you doin' in my house?!"  
He whips cherry pie crust off his mouth and says man, i was paid not to tell you  
Then Renji pulls Zabimaru out and yells trespassin man I got the right to kill you..  
The Plushie says Mr. the man that pay me to this would kill me if i tell  
He points Zabimaru in his face, the plushie say ''god i think i just shitted on myself''

Now at Ichigo's house Byakuya's gotta patch on his shoulder playin cards gettin alone  
There laughing and talking when Ichigo says Rukia, baby, get the phone  
Then she walks away from the table picks it up and say "hello" there's a lady on the other line panic-n-  
cryin and talkin all offf the wall,  
Rukia says wait slow down, who am i talkin tooo  
"My names Tatsuki and i found your number in my husband's pocket, I had to call you"  
Two minutess later Rukia's shakin her head sayin girl i understand, Ichigo says who is it baby?  
She hangs up and gives him the address

Now meanwhile back at Renji's house the plushie cryin his ass off while he lyin threw his teeth bout  
to get lil ass told off,  
Then Tatsuki bust in the kitchen with a double barrel sayin "Renji, i can't let you do this"  
Then he looks at her and says what? you shoot me for this  
fuckin plushie she says "I love him"

Now Tatsuki and Renji starin each other down slowly backin apart..then the plushie takes his inhaler out  
and says this is not good for my heart,  
Then Renji says Tatsuki don't make me do this baby put the gun down...thats when Ichigo and Byakuya  
busted up in the house... and says you put the gun down

...whoo while Byakuya & Ichigo sniffin around...  
tryina figure out what's that smell...as they turn and look at each other like whaaat the...hell...?

Next Chapter: Chapter 11 (Plushie Fetish)


	11. Chapter 11: Plushie Fetish

(CHAPTER 11) (Plushie Fetish)

Ichigo's POV.

Now the plushie begins to wake up cause he Explain fainted from all the madness

See three swords pointed around the room he stand and says, "I have nothing to do with this"

Then I said, "Hold up you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?"

Then he says, "Man I get around. You might know my face from here or there"

Then Renji says, "Take a good look cause you might not ever see his face again"

Byakuya says, "Man what the hell is that smell? Somebody then broke wind!"

And then Tatsuki start cryin' while she's lookin' around

I said, "I'm sure we can work this out but first let's put the swords down"

Then Tatsuki cries, "Renji first." Then he said, "No you go!"

Then I say, "Just do it the same time" and they both look at me and said, "No!"

And then Byakuya says, "Man let me slice 'em all" and I said, "We can't do that

And besides man you just got out of prison and I'll be damned if you're going back

Then Tatsuki says, "I'll drop the gun if he promise not to hurt 'Kon'

Then Renji says, "That's what you call him, that's his name, 'Kon'?"

Then Byakuya says, "Man is that ya name?" He yells, "Yeah" We laugh, hot mess

Then I say, "Man, why they call you that?" and he says, "Because I'm a good soul"

Then I start shakin' my head and put the gun down sayin', "This is to much for me!"

Said, "I can't take no more then heard it all this shit bout to drive me crazy"

And then I say, "Man I shouldn't never took my ass to the Shinigami Club

Then 'Kon' says, "Shinigami Club, I been there that's probably where you know me from"

Then Renji says, "Hey, hey Chad and Uryuu let's get back to the matter at hand"

Then Ichigo says, "Cool, but first there's just this one thing I gotta understand"

Renji says, "What?"

Then Ichigo says, "How do you know Chad and Uryuu?"

And then Renji says, "What you talkin' about man?"

"You said Chad and Uryuu!"

Then Tatsuki says, "Hun my stomach"

Then Byakuya says, "Who the hell is Chad and Uryuu?"

Pointed Zangetsu and said, "Talk to me Renji"

I said, "Uryuu, Chad?"

Then Tatsuki says, "I'm about to throw up"

Renji says, "My wife is sick"

Byakuya says, "Man I don't believe that shit"

I said, "How did your wife get sick?"

He says, "She's three months pregnant!"

And then we all said, "Oh shit!"

Then Tatsuki says, "Honey there's something I have to tell ya"

Then Renji says, "No, baby, you don't have to say a word right now"

Then she says, "But Renji". Then he says, "Rest Tatsuki, while I get these fools up out my house"

Pointed Zabimaru at us and yells, "Leave." Said, "My wife is sick"

Then Byakuya look at him and said, "Muthafucka you crazy! Watch where you point that shit!"

Then Tatsuki says, "Renji no!"

Ichigo gets a phone call: it's Rukia askin' him, "Is everything ok?"

And he says, "Hell naw!"

He hangs up, then 'Kon' screams, "Look man, I'm just a ladies man"

I say, "Ladies man?" Byakuya says, "A plushie?"

He said, "I strip at this club called Shun's and that is where I met Tatuski"

Tatsuki says, "Renji." He says, "Not now"

She says, "Hun please let me explain"

Then Byakuya whispers in my ear and says, "Ichigo let me kill this fool Renji"

'Kon' overhears us and take his inhaler out again

I said, "I'm not killin' no cop"

Renji movin' closer to them with Zabimaru

Tatsuki yellin', "Stop, stop, stop!"

And then she says, "I admit it, I did it, I paid him"

Then Renji cuts her off and says, "Baby you don't have to say nothing"

She says, "No. Renji I think you need to hear this

See I been covering for you a long time

Never said what was on my mind

I even followed you a few times

And when I saw you with her you act like I was blind"

Renji says, "Wait a minute Tatsuki

Just what are you tryin' to tell me?"

"Not only am I sleepin' with 'Kon', but he's my baby's daddy!"

Whoooo! The plushie faints again...while Byakuya and Ichigo are trippin'

The plushie's the baby's...daddy...whoo

Next Chapter: Chapter 12 (Princesses, Wives and Whores)


End file.
